


Oxytocin, Dopamine, and Serotonin.

by Scorpius_Wears_Short_Skirts



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Relationship, Awkwardness, Canon Compliant, Canon: Fullmetal Alchemist: Conqueror of Shamballa, Canonical Character Death, Homoromantic, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not Incest, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:26:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4113859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scorpius_Wears_Short_Skirts/pseuds/Scorpius_Wears_Short_Skirts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course, if the stories were true, that meant that he shared the face of Edward's little brother. That fact made him sick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oxytocin, Dopamine, and Serotonin.

"Al?"

Edward didn't believe it. Against all odds, here in Germany, he saw his brother's face. Alphonse looked older than Edward had remembered him, but that was to be expected with how young he was when he'd lost his body in the first place. 

Alphonse was seated on a faded, paint-flaking bench that may have at one point been green.The blue-eyed man looked up upon hearing his name, glanced around, and returned his gaze to his book. He had taken no notice of Edward, who had halted on the cracked sidewalk. A fence stood between them, built from rain-worn wood.

Edward wasted no time. His used his right arm to help himself over the fence, keeping his left off of it to avoid splinters. His legs carried him quickly to his brother.

"Alphonse!" Edward exclaimed, overjoyed.

The former Alchemist opened his arms once he was near enough, ready to envelop his younger brother in his arms. He stopped himself quickly as Alphonse once again looked up, staring directly at Edward. There was not even a hint of recognition.

"You know me?" Not-Alphonse had asked, "I'm sorry, have we met? I'm so bad with faces..."

The man closed his book and stood, extending his hand to shake. Edward took it and obliged, heart falling as the truth hit him.

_'This man is not my brother. I am never going to see Alphonse again.'_

"Alfons Heidrich, but I suppose you knew." This other Al introduced, then added, "Oh, your hand!"

Edward offered up an uncomfortable smile, "Yeah, had an accident when I was a kid. I'm Edward, nice meeting you."

Alfons frowned, moving his hand from Edward's to his face. He looked upset, and had a deeply apologetic tone when he spoke again.

"I didn't mean...Ah..." He trailed off, but the intention was understood and Edward chuckled depite himself.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Used to it. I've got a leg in the same shape." Edward shoved his hands in his pockets with a grin, trying to ease the other man out of his mortification. "So, what're you reading over here?"

Alfons suddenly beamed, holding the book up as he fell into a detailed explanation of literal Rocket Science. Edward was quickly lost, but listened intently. He had a mind for chemistry, not engineering. He'd leave that to Winry.

_'And,'_ He supposed silently to himself, _'I'll leave it to Alfons too.'_

They continued to talk for a while, Alfons about his rockets and Ed about his lighter adventures. Al thought he was just spouting fantasy, but listened anyway without trying to patronize the shorter man. Their interaction was easy, and as they parted ways, they agreed to meet again.

___________________

 

Despite a lack of familial relation, Edward and Alfonse quickly became close. Edward had initially just chalked it up to trying to still have some vague connection to his brother. For a while that is what he believed because he had to always remind himself.

_'This man is not my brother.'_

In this realm he had no brother. Alfons also had no brother, which only caused Edward to wonder why some connecting factors between this universe and his own were the same, mainly faces, and others were different.

Hughes and Gracia hadn't started a relationship here, much less a family. Lust and Scar were Gypsies, and lovers as far as Edward knew though they went by different names. He had even seen Mustang, who worked for the newspaper of all things and was married to Hawkeye. Alfons was not his brother.

Though they shared many traits, Alfons would never be Alphonse.

A warm lingering hug, sharing a bed after a nightmare, leaning on one another as they dozed off in the back of a car. Edward had done all of these things with Alphonse, and Alfons never seemed to mind despite the fact they were not brothers. In fact, he often took the initiative after a while.

______________________

 

Alfons was always happy to touch Edward, no matter how seemingly personal. He leaned into the contact, starved for affection. He knew Edward meant everything to be platonic, and it was. Rather, it should have been.

He wasn't sure when he started to believe Edward's wild stories. Something had clicked for him, and he had realized Edward would never lie to him. The stories seemed impossible, and he would tease, but he knew that Edward at least believed them. And so he believed as well. 

Of course, if the stories were true, that meant that he shared the face of Edward's little brother. That fact made him sick. 

_'Well,'_ He amended in his head, _'Sicker.'_

Alfons suffered from tuberculosis already. He would have a flare-up at least once or twice a day, making itself primarily known as a bad cough. Edward worried, he could see that plainly. Of course Edward would worry. Edward had said his mother had also had a bad cough before she died. Alfons would also die. He was aware of this.

_'Edward is only here because I remind him of his family.'_ He thought to himself, after having coughed so hard he'd had to vomit or else choke himself. He let his tears flow freely, as Edward was asleep by now.

"And I'll leave him too..." He spoke aloud, huddled in the corner of the water closet with his face in his hands.

He was not afraid to die. Everyone died, and aside from the fact he would die sooner than others he knew he was no different. No, the thought of his own death was not what truly bothered him. What bothered him was that Edward would be alone again, losing someone else when he deserved everything he wanted.

For this reason, Alfons never told Edward he only had a few years left, if he was lucky. It was his misguided effort to protect Ed, whom had done so much to protect his brother. Edward deserved protection now, protection and love. Alfons would protect him out of love, despite the fact that Edward was not his brother.

_'Even if that's all he sees me as.'_

Alfons's feelings were romantic, but Ed's were platonic. He supposed it was better that way. Homosexuality was highly illegal in Germany. At least with his feelings being one-sided he'd be unable, and with the situation, unwilling to act on them. Giving in to a little temptation would only hurt them both, so he kept his focus on his rockets.

_______________________

 

The illusion broke with an argument. Edward felt that he should have expected that. Alfons never did like to hear him speak about leaving this world, always insisting that Edward had a home right there in Munich in the flat they shared.

"What's so damned important you can't just be happy here?" Alfons had asked, eyebrows knitting together. "You talk about leaving like you'd rather die than stay!"

Edward hated it when Alfons yelled. It made his cough worse. He was alreadry trying to bite back a fit of them, Edward could tell. It scared him, even though Alfons always told him not to worry. 

Mom had told him not to worry too, and then she had died.

"I don't even know if my little brother's alive. You're an only child, you can't understand." Edward had retorted, hurt but trying to keep his voice level.

"Isn't that why you stay around me? Because I look just like him right?" The german's eye had begun to glisten, threatening tears.

"Alfons..." Edward warned, tone dropping to a near growl.

"You've got a replacement right in front of you, why does it matter?" His voice cracked, and the coughing broke through.

"Alfons?" His voice shifted from anger to concern as the taller man suddenly sank to his knees.

Edward knelt alongside his friend, waiting patiently for the hacking to subside. He settled his left hand, the natural one, on the engineer's back to rub circles through the fabric. 

Alfons eventually had to fish a hankerchief out of his pocket. He coughed harshly into it, then swiftly but carefully folded it again. He was hiding, and though Edward had noticed the spot of red he thought it best to leave that particular topic be for now.

Once Alfons was finished with his fit, Edward moved his hand, still the left, to direct Alfons to look at him. He searched the crystal blue eyes for a moment, deep thought eched into his own golden ones. Then, he leaned forward with almost no warning to press his lips chastely against Alfons's own.

"You are not my brother." With that, Edward excused himself and retired to his room for the rest of the night.

Edward was conflicted now, unsure of if what he had just done was okay. He'd just kissed a man who held striking resemblance to his brother, identical in all but voice and eye color. The former of which could have just as easily been the same if his brother had been the same physical age.

Alfons was not Alphonse. He knew this, and often pondered it by listing the differences to remind himself that they were not the same. Yes, he had originally sought this man's company to feel close to his brother. He would admit that.

At some point, though, he began seeing Alfons as only himself and nobody else. He loved him just as much, but in a different way. He even found the rocket scientist attractive, but never in a sexual way. He was thankful for that little detail, as he didn't think he'd be able to handle _that._

He readied himself for bed and removed his false limbs, lying on his back. He rested the crook of his elbow over his eyes, teeth clenched as his mind raced. The building itself was silent, but he could hear Alfons crying on the stairs.

_'I did this...'_ Was his last thought before sleep took him.

_______________________

 

Everything was different after Edward kissed him. Everything was the same. Edward would tell Alfons stories about home and help him with the chemical element of rocket science. Alfons would tell Ed about work, and what they had accomplished.

The formerly platonic touches and affections were now romantic on both sides, yet the rare kisses shared never had any heat to them. There was passion there, and they were treated seriously, but never rushed or messy. Edward kissed Alfons when he meant to convey something wordless, and Alfons knew exactly what he was telling him each time.

Alfons had tried to go further once, slipping a hand down the front of Edward's trousers but still keeping the thin cloth of underwear between the skin. Edward stopped him quickly, pushing the engineer off.

"I can't..." Edward whispered, hiding his eyes under his long bangs. "I'm sorry, I just... _I can't..._ "

It had been the first time Alfons ever saw Edward cry. It established a clear line that he understood must never be crossed. He was a bit disappointed of course, but not with Edward. He knew exactly why the line was there. 

Alfons shared the face of Edward's brother. Even though he knew Edward didn't see them as the same person, they still **looked** the same. It was a harsh truth and he knew for Edward it would be going too far. So he apologized as well and held the former alchemist to him.

"It's illegal here anyway," He reported with a smirk and they both laughed, even though nothing was funny about it.

Sex in any form was off the table. In a way, that fact was calming to both of them. They occasionally kissed eachother, and often shared Alfons's bed to hold eachother through the night. Neither of them expected more, or even wanted more. 

They did not tell eachother they loved eachother. They both just knew, even though it went unspoken. Even the smallest action meant something and they were happy with what they had made together.

_______________________

 

Alphonse had the strangest dreams after he got his body back. Machines that flew past the sky, the start of a war, a cough to rival Teacher's.

And Ed.

Ed was older in his dreams, and a bit less showy. He treated him differently in his dreams, though, as if they weren't brothers at all. It was confusing, but he felt that it was proof of Ed's existance somewhere, in some form.

Alchemy wasn't real in his dreams, though he'd seen Ed doodle the arrays absentmindedly. He'd also seen Ed make an attempt at it once, but give up after he'd realized it just wouldn't work.

He'd yelled at him in his dreams. They'd yelled at eachother. Then, the yelling had stopped altogether. He wasn't sure why it had stopped, but he was glad whatever the conflict was it had stopped. 

He never could remember some things, specific details got lost easily. He couldn't remember why he'd seen Ed cry. He didn't know why he'd woken up laughing.

Winry had come in to ask why he was laughing, and his immediate response was that something was illegal but he couldn't remember what other than the law itself was ridiculous.

__________________________________

 

Alfons was enraged when he saw Edward's unconscious body on the floor. He knew now, even though Edward had already told him, that he was no doubt being used. His rockets were a weapon, and Edward had gotten hurt. Edward had always been right.

Before he lost the chance, he dragged his lover away and strapped him into the smallest, but still one of the strongest aircrafts. He was relieved when Edward stirred, complaining about the damage to a false arm of all things before the shorter man realized what was happening.

Now that it was clearly time to say goodbye, Edward wasn't sure he wanted to leave. It showed plainly through his face and his words. He even pleaded for Alfons to come with him, but there was no room. He didn't think he would survive the trip anyway, even with Edward's claim of finding a better doctor.

Alfons simply placed his hand over Edward's, the left so he knew he would be felt.

"Just never forget me."

"Alfons!" Edward cried as the hatch was closed.

Alfons launched the aircraft just as bullets shot past him. One found its mark in his back, feeling like fire. Alfons only smiled, watching as Edward disappeared from his vision while he sank to the floor.

He was always going to die before he was old. At least he had chosen this. At least Edward wouldn't see it, and could go home believing he was still alive.

He did not close his eyes. He did not let his smile falter. Edward would remember him happily, and so he would be happy for the rest of his life.

Even though he would only live for a few minutes. 

The gate shone fiery and golden, just like Edward's eyes. He never wanted to look away. Noa came, trying to move him and help, but he'd refused. He was beyond help. He just wanted to watch the gate. His last link to Edward.

Even when he had breathed his last, Noa respected that wish. She settled his head on her lap, keeping his lifeless gaze directed upward.

_________________________

 

Alfons lay motionless on Noa's lap, then the floor when the Gypsy removed herself. Edward saw him, and knew better than anyone what death looked like. Alfons was dead.

Edward couldn't _breathe._

He'd lost his brother and gained a lover, but now he had his brother back. Al was here. Alfons wasn't anymore.

Even without alchemy, equivalent exchange was taking what it wanted from him. Edward was angry, sickened, and in some ways lost. He channeled those feelings into resolving the conflict at hand first.

After that, he joined Alfons's body on the floor. He held the engineer's face to his heart, curled protectively over him despite the gesture being pointless now, and _sobbed_. He didn't care that his brother could see him. He didn't care who else could see him. 

At that moment, he just didn't care about anything else as he apologized over and over to the corpse in his arms.

Alphonse, for his part averted his eyes. He realized quite suddenly that his dreams had been visions from the eyes of the dead man. A dead man who shared his face. It was disorienting to see his brother coddle an older, deceased version of himself.

Al wondered briefly if he'd been replaced. He and Ed had been co-dependant during their travels, but no. This didn't seem like a replacement for him. If it was, he didn't think his brother would be quite as distraught.

Upset someone had died was understandable, but Ed seemed like he had lost someone far more important. Ed was acting similar to how he did when Mom died. Only this time, he was even more broken.

This man was not a replacement for him, but still just as important if not more so.

Hesitantly, Al took a few steps toward Edward to place a hand on his shoulder.

"Brother?" He asked quietly, and waited for Ed to cease his crying so they could speak.

"...Yeah, Al?"

"Who was he?"

Edward fell silent for a moment, unsure of how to answer. He then fitted his arms under the corpse, right arm under his knees and left at his back. He lifted the body, and began to walk away. Al followed, and Edward allowed the company.

Edward did not speak again until the funeral. Alphonse had almost forgotten his question by the time his brother answered.

"Oxytocin, Dopamine, Serotonin, Vasopressin... Norepinephrine... Adrenaline..." Edward listed, actually using this as his explanation as well as his farewell speech.

He then continued on with a standard funeral speech, then returned to Al's side in the group.

"I'm so sorry, brother." Al whispered.

Ed nodded, wiping away a stray tear as Noa began to dance.

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was a little sad. The Chemicals Ed lists are the Chemical composition of love, with the biggest three being first and the rest being his own observation of them. I felt it would be better fitting than some sappy bullshit.


End file.
